It's a dirty little war.

Interesting week. Jen stole my idea for creative writing and thought I wouldn't notice. I'm not even sure if I was going to use that idea, but it's the idea of it. I'm ticked. She can't use me. I'm not going to go in the city with her for a while. I'm just going to go by myself or with Ashley. Jen and I went in last weekend and saw Hair and Next to Normal which was a lot of fun but she makes it very hard for people to like her. Seriously. Whatevs.

Cims told me she's offended by Gay Marriage in a way. I guess it just made me realize that she, like Jen, doesn't really care about me. If she ever paid attention when I talked to her or if she ever noticed what I was wearing, she'd know I FIGHT FOR MARRIAGE EQUALITY. She said she was really bothered by this one episode of Grey's Anatomy where one of the doctors was yelling at her dad that he can't "pray away the gay," which I completely and totally agreed with. She said she was very offended by the whole episode and that they didn't think of all the religious people watching the show. It's stupid. You can't pray away the gay anymore than you can pray away your debt or your frizzy hair. I just don't think she really thought about it, but I don't think she really cares at the same time. I don't know. I feel like my only real friends are Ashley and Khrystal. Which totally works for me, but what about everyone else?

Ashley and Kaytlynn got invited to a birthday/halloween party on Halloween. I wasn't invited because I'm not really friends with the girl who is throwing it. They aren't going because I wasn't invited, but Kayt at least wants to. I'm worried that they'll want to go, but at the same time, I feel bad that they aren't going because of me.

Well, I'll update again sometime soon, I'm going to Gread Adventure today/tomorrow for Matt's birthday.

Until then.

I'm gonna change the world some day...

I want to change the world some day. No, I do. And I'll make it happen. I don't want a ~normal~ life. I don't want to be a house wife with kids who falls asleep before 9 and is running the kids to the mall and soccer practice in between laundry loads. I also don't want to be a movie star. Or a rock star. I want to write a book, be a public speaker, write a collection of poems, SOMETHING to inspire a massive amount of people at once. I want to save the world from its self. I want it all. I don't understand what's so scary about that to people. I don't want a spot light. I don't think I have some talent that I don't have. I do know that I'm a damn good writer and I will make something of my self. I will have a 15 year old girl googling my name trying to figure out everything she can about me because I made her realize something about herself. I will have an 18 year old guy talking to his girlfriend about this amazing book some chick named Emily Gilbert wrote. I want that.

It's not fame, it's just knowing that something I did, something that came from my mind, inspired someone, even if it was just for a little while. I don't know what it is I'm going to do just yet, but I've decided this is my goal. I've made a lot of decisions lately, imaginary blog reader of mine. I've decided that on September 1st, on my 18th birthday, I'm getting a tattoo around my ankle that reads "Life is around you and in you," because I truly believe that, and the line is just drop dead beautiful. I've decided that I'm going to stand up for Equality more than I ever thought I was able to. I'm going to write a kick ass book. I'm going to hug Gavin Creel and thank him for inspiring me to be myself. I'm going to hug Jonathan Groff for allowing me to love him. He'll understand what I mean.

I just want to exist in a world knowing I made an impact. How lucky Gavin Creel is, to go to sleep at night, knowing he did everything within his power to inspire a change in people that admire him. How lucky Jonathan Groff is, knowing he allowed his true kindness to allow some girl fan of his to love him, and that it made her life? How lucky they are. I will be that lucky. You watch me.

And if I died right now, you'd never be the same.

I feel weak. I miss him. I haven't missed him this much in a very, very long time. Probably since it happened. I just miss him. The fact is, I'll never talk to him again. I'll never really find out the truth. I'll never know exactly what went on. And that doesn't really bother me. It's just more or less that he was everything to me for a while. It's weird to think that just three years ago right now, I was probably talking to him on AIM. I just, ugh. I want to text Justyne. Or message her again. Or request her. Explain that I've been down about it lately. But I don't want to seem like a freak that still "obsesses" over it. But to me, he died. And I carry that with me every single day. It's not on purpose, but something makes me think of him every day. I can't think of a single day that I haven't thought about him in some way. It's not that I love him per se, but he meant something to me. He means something to me.

I guess the worst part about it is is that nobody feels what I feel. Nobody even knows who he is. And the only twoish people that do know think it's stupid, fake, and over dramatic. Hell, the rational part of my mind thinks that way too. But unfortunately, I'm not always rational. In case your reading this and highly confused, I'll do a quick recap of my stupid younger self: When I was 13, I fell in love with this kid Anthony. Only, I never met him, he was a Rent roleplayer. I talked to him every day for 6 months. Then he died. Only they story has been changed about his existance and life all the time since the time he died, and nobody really knows what the deal was. All I know is that I had a friend who I deeply cared about who died. In any event, I don't talk about ever or let anyone know I still think about it. But I do. Every single day.

It's been a whlie since I've been really "sad" over it, but this new song I've been listening to called "Three cheers for 5 years" by Mayday Parade sounds like something we'd talk about. Half of the song sounds like what I'd be saying to him, and the other half is what he'd be saying to me. I guess I'm just thinking about it a lot, especially with the 3 year anniversary of his death quickly approaching in a few weeks. Le sigh.

I wish I still counted the minutes for him. Really, I do.

Lets try this again.

OKAY. I'M SORRY IMAGINARY BLOG READER. I lied. I completely forgot you existed again, but I'm going to try my best to update once a month about the meaningless things in my life. It's the best thing since sliced bread to rant about all the people in my life without worrying that any of them are going to see it. But yay for long blog posts, because this one is going to recap since my last post, take you through the summer, and the first month of SEN10R YEAR. Oh, yes, I went there. Take that. Here we go!

Well, 11th grade obviously ended. I don't remember much of the dramatic little details, but I took all my regents exams, got an 88 on Italian (GO ME FOR NOT STUDYING!), a 99 on USH (YAY FOR INFINITE USH KNOWELDGE!) and a 90 on Math B (I FREAKING SCREAMED. BEST FEAT EVER). And that was the end of that. However, my new love love love was discovered between taking the USH Regents and the Italian regents. I went out on a limb and lottoed the 1960's hippie rock musical, Hair, and won. It's now my acid, my love, my life definition. Next to normal got the good old boot within 2 weeks of it being number one. Poor babies. Hair is 50 million times better than N2N anyway. And way more me. I've seen it 9 times now and in 2 weeks, I'll have seen it for the 10th time. But more on Hair later. Lets get back to the ~summer.~

The summer was cool. You know how like, one blog entry ago I thought Ashley and I were drifitng apart? Well, we were. But that's done now. After our upstate trip, things got way better. In fact, things got more than better. We're closer than really we've ever been which is totes fine with me. I suddenly don't feel like updating you on my past in detail, so I'm going to do a quick recap/list of my current thoughts and that'll be it for tonight. I'm tired.

1. 11th grade is over.
2. I'm a senior.
3. Jen and I are friends, no dramazzz.
4. Ashley and I are blissfully closer than ever.
5. My back is 100% fine, I've been on roller coasters.
6. I got my learners permit (:
7. Hair is my life now.
8. I'm a modern day hippie.
9. I'm 17!
10. I'm taking creative writing with an awesome teacher (who looks like Will [my love] Swenson).
11. Uhh, I'm going to try to update my imaginary followers every so often. But no worries, I've left little post-it notes around my room reminding me to update this thing. Go me!
12. I'm still single. I know, I'm shocked too. (not.)
13. My ears are pierced!
14. I just lied to you.
15. I recently saw my future husband JGroff again and got multiple hugs.
16. I still really really love him, in a non-fan kind of way. Seriously, I'd marry him right now. He owns my heart.
17. I've decided that I want "life is around you and in you" tattoed somewhere on my self.
18. I have a really long list of schools that I'm applying to, but I know I want to live in the city. The rest can be worked out.
19. I'm not labling my sexuality, I think if you're going to stand up for gay rights and gay equality, than putting a lable on your sexuality defeats the purpose.
20. I will fall in love with whom ever I fall in love with.
21. I want to read 50 books in 2010.
22. I have a creative writing project I should really be doing but I'm not because I don't have a short story author I want to write about or a short story that I really like.
23. Gavin Creel is my role model. I want to have the confidence to just say to a huge group of people, "This is who I am, and I'm going to stand up for that no matter what you think of it."
24. It depresses me oh so much that Gavin is gay.
25. I want to kiss a freakin boy at some point during my senior year. Okay? thanks.
26. I believe in love. That is my fucking religion. Call me an athiest, whatever. K?
27. I want to try LSD. there, I said it.
28. I'm forming a very unhealthy addiction to Hair. seriously, it gets me through my life.
29. I'm an expert procrastinator and I hate it.
30. I'm considering sneaking out of my household and going to the Equality Rally in DC.
31. I'm done considering that. Because we all know I don't have the guts to do that.
32. All I want is to live in the city, be with artsy people, have a boyfriend, and just be.
33. Love is all I'd ever need to survive.
34. I'd pick a cardboard box with the love of my life over anything else basically.
35. This list is getting really long and it works for me.
36. I'm a hippie and I love it.
37. I'm exhausted right now.
38. I need to go to sleep.

Tootles, my imaginary followers. Until I remember to post again.