And if I died right now, you'd never be the same.

I feel weak. I miss him. I haven't missed him this much in a very, very long time. Probably since it happened. I just miss him. The fact is, I'll never talk to him again. I'll never really find out the truth. I'll never know exactly what went on. And that doesn't really bother me. It's just more or less that he was everything to me for a while. It's weird to think that just three years ago right now, I was probably talking to him on AIM. I just, ugh. I want to text Justyne. Or message her again. Or request her. Explain that I've been down about it lately. But I don't want to seem like a freak that still "obsesses" over it. But to me, he died. And I carry that with me every single day. It's not on purpose, but something makes me think of him every day. I can't think of a single day that I haven't thought about him in some way. It's not that I love him per se, but he meant something to me. He means something to me.

I guess the worst part about it is is that nobody feels what I feel. Nobody even knows who he is. And the only twoish people that do know think it's stupid, fake, and over dramatic. Hell, the rational part of my mind thinks that way too. But unfortunately, I'm not always rational. In case your reading this and highly confused, I'll do a quick recap of my stupid younger self: When I was 13, I fell in love with this kid Anthony. Only, I never met him, he was a Rent roleplayer. I talked to him every day for 6 months. Then he died. Only they story has been changed about his existance and life all the time since the time he died, and nobody really knows what the deal was. All I know is that I had a friend who I deeply cared about who died. In any event, I don't talk about ever or let anyone know I still think about it. But I do. Every single day.

It's been a whlie since I've been really "sad" over it, but this new song I've been listening to called "Three cheers for 5 years" by Mayday Parade sounds like something we'd talk about. Half of the song sounds like what I'd be saying to him, and the other half is what he'd be saying to me. I guess I'm just thinking about it a lot, especially with the 3 year anniversary of his death quickly approaching in a few weeks. Le sigh.

I wish I still counted the minutes for him. Really, I do.