I know I promised I'd keep up with this, but I just haven't. Call me an idiot, I don't care. Time for a new blog completely, new name, new picture, new design, and I will, WILL update this blog. I need a place to rant. nobody really needs to see it, but some people can. I'm okay with this. Time to move on. I want to be truthful in these posts and somehow it just doesn't come off that way to me. So I just wanted to formally close this blog before flocking off and creating a new one.
I'm not quite sure who this blog holds anymore, It's been a while since I've had a conversation with myself. Goodnight world, moon, the interwebs, and anyone else who knows this exists. Good thing that's next to nobody.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, October 24, 2009
It's a dirty little war.
Interesting week. Jen stole my idea for creative writing and thought I wouldn't notice. I'm not even sure if I was going to use that idea, but it's the idea of it. I'm ticked. She can't use me. I'm not going to go in the city with her for a while. I'm just going to go by myself or with Ashley. Jen and I went in last weekend and saw Hair and Next to Normal which was a lot of fun but she makes it very hard for people to like her. Seriously. Whatevs.
Cims told me she's offended by Gay Marriage in a way. I guess it just made me realize that she, like Jen, doesn't really care about me. If she ever paid attention when I talked to her or if she ever noticed what I was wearing, she'd know I FIGHT FOR MARRIAGE EQUALITY. She said she was really bothered by this one episode of Grey's Anatomy where one of the doctors was yelling at her dad that he can't "pray away the gay," which I completely and totally agreed with. She said she was very offended by the whole episode and that they didn't think of all the religious people watching the show. It's stupid. You can't pray away the gay anymore than you can pray away your debt or your frizzy hair. I just don't think she really thought about it, but I don't think she really cares at the same time. I don't know. I feel like my only real friends are Ashley and Khrystal. Which totally works for me, but what about everyone else?
Ashley and Kaytlynn got invited to a birthday/halloween party on Halloween. I wasn't invited because I'm not really friends with the girl who is throwing it. They aren't going because I wasn't invited, but Kayt at least wants to. I'm worried that they'll want to go, but at the same time, I feel bad that they aren't going because of me.
Well, I'll update again sometime soon, I'm going to Gread Adventure today/tomorrow for Matt's birthday.
Until then.
Cims told me she's offended by Gay Marriage in a way. I guess it just made me realize that she, like Jen, doesn't really care about me. If she ever paid attention when I talked to her or if she ever noticed what I was wearing, she'd know I FIGHT FOR MARRIAGE EQUALITY. She said she was really bothered by this one episode of Grey's Anatomy where one of the doctors was yelling at her dad that he can't "pray away the gay," which I completely and totally agreed with. She said she was very offended by the whole episode and that they didn't think of all the religious people watching the show. It's stupid. You can't pray away the gay anymore than you can pray away your debt or your frizzy hair. I just don't think she really thought about it, but I don't think she really cares at the same time. I don't know. I feel like my only real friends are Ashley and Khrystal. Which totally works for me, but what about everyone else?
Ashley and Kaytlynn got invited to a birthday/halloween party on Halloween. I wasn't invited because I'm not really friends with the girl who is throwing it. They aren't going because I wasn't invited, but Kayt at least wants to. I'm worried that they'll want to go, but at the same time, I feel bad that they aren't going because of me.
Well, I'll update again sometime soon, I'm going to Gread Adventure today/tomorrow for Matt's birthday.
Until then.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
I'm gonna change the world some day...
I want to change the world some day. No, I do. And I'll make it happen. I don't want a ~normal~ life. I don't want to be a house wife with kids who falls asleep before 9 and is running the kids to the mall and soccer practice in between laundry loads. I also don't want to be a movie star. Or a rock star. I want to write a book, be a public speaker, write a collection of poems, SOMETHING to inspire a massive amount of people at once. I want to save the world from its self. I want it all. I don't understand what's so scary about that to people. I don't want a spot light. I don't think I have some talent that I don't have. I do know that I'm a damn good writer and I will make something of my self. I will have a 15 year old girl googling my name trying to figure out everything she can about me because I made her realize something about herself. I will have an 18 year old guy talking to his girlfriend about this amazing book some chick named Emily Gilbert wrote. I want that.
It's not fame, it's just knowing that something I did, something that came from my mind, inspired someone, even if it was just for a little while. I don't know what it is I'm going to do just yet, but I've decided this is my goal. I've made a lot of decisions lately, imaginary blog reader of mine. I've decided that on September 1st, on my 18th birthday, I'm getting a tattoo around my ankle that reads "Life is around you and in you," because I truly believe that, and the line is just drop dead beautiful. I've decided that I'm going to stand up for Equality more than I ever thought I was able to. I'm going to write a kick ass book. I'm going to hug Gavin Creel and thank him for inspiring me to be myself. I'm going to hug Jonathan Groff for allowing me to love him. He'll understand what I mean.
I just want to exist in a world knowing I made an impact. How lucky Gavin Creel is, to go to sleep at night, knowing he did everything within his power to inspire a change in people that admire him. How lucky Jonathan Groff is, knowing he allowed his true kindness to allow some girl fan of his to love him, and that it made her life? How lucky they are. I will be that lucky. You watch me.
It's not fame, it's just knowing that something I did, something that came from my mind, inspired someone, even if it was just for a little while. I don't know what it is I'm going to do just yet, but I've decided this is my goal. I've made a lot of decisions lately, imaginary blog reader of mine. I've decided that on September 1st, on my 18th birthday, I'm getting a tattoo around my ankle that reads "Life is around you and in you," because I truly believe that, and the line is just drop dead beautiful. I've decided that I'm going to stand up for Equality more than I ever thought I was able to. I'm going to write a kick ass book. I'm going to hug Gavin Creel and thank him for inspiring me to be myself. I'm going to hug Jonathan Groff for allowing me to love him. He'll understand what I mean.
I just want to exist in a world knowing I made an impact. How lucky Gavin Creel is, to go to sleep at night, knowing he did everything within his power to inspire a change in people that admire him. How lucky Jonathan Groff is, knowing he allowed his true kindness to allow some girl fan of his to love him, and that it made her life? How lucky they are. I will be that lucky. You watch me.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
And if I died right now, you'd never be the same.
I feel weak. I miss him. I haven't missed him this much in a very, very long time. Probably since it happened. I just miss him. The fact is, I'll never talk to him again. I'll never really find out the truth. I'll never know exactly what went on. And that doesn't really bother me. It's just more or less that he was everything to me for a while. It's weird to think that just three years ago right now, I was probably talking to him on AIM. I just, ugh. I want to text Justyne. Or message her again. Or request her. Explain that I've been down about it lately. But I don't want to seem like a freak that still "obsesses" over it. But to me, he died. And I carry that with me every single day. It's not on purpose, but something makes me think of him every day. I can't think of a single day that I haven't thought about him in some way. It's not that I love him per se, but he meant something to me. He means something to me.
I guess the worst part about it is is that nobody feels what I feel. Nobody even knows who he is. And the only twoish people that do know think it's stupid, fake, and over dramatic. Hell, the rational part of my mind thinks that way too. But unfortunately, I'm not always rational. In case your reading this and highly confused, I'll do a quick recap of my stupid younger self: When I was 13, I fell in love with this kid Anthony. Only, I never met him, he was a Rent roleplayer. I talked to him every day for 6 months. Then he died. Only they story has been changed about his existance and life all the time since the time he died, and nobody really knows what the deal was. All I know is that I had a friend who I deeply cared about who died. In any event, I don't talk about ever or let anyone know I still think about it. But I do. Every single day.
It's been a whlie since I've been really "sad" over it, but this new song I've been listening to called "Three cheers for 5 years" by Mayday Parade sounds like something we'd talk about. Half of the song sounds like what I'd be saying to him, and the other half is what he'd be saying to me. I guess I'm just thinking about it a lot, especially with the 3 year anniversary of his death quickly approaching in a few weeks. Le sigh.
I wish I still counted the minutes for him. Really, I do.
I guess the worst part about it is is that nobody feels what I feel. Nobody even knows who he is. And the only twoish people that do know think it's stupid, fake, and over dramatic. Hell, the rational part of my mind thinks that way too. But unfortunately, I'm not always rational. In case your reading this and highly confused, I'll do a quick recap of my stupid younger self: When I was 13, I fell in love with this kid Anthony. Only, I never met him, he was a Rent roleplayer. I talked to him every day for 6 months. Then he died. Only they story has been changed about his existance and life all the time since the time he died, and nobody really knows what the deal was. All I know is that I had a friend who I deeply cared about who died. In any event, I don't talk about ever or let anyone know I still think about it. But I do. Every single day.
It's been a whlie since I've been really "sad" over it, but this new song I've been listening to called "Three cheers for 5 years" by Mayday Parade sounds like something we'd talk about. Half of the song sounds like what I'd be saying to him, and the other half is what he'd be saying to me. I guess I'm just thinking about it a lot, especially with the 3 year anniversary of his death quickly approaching in a few weeks. Le sigh.
I wish I still counted the minutes for him. Really, I do.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Lets try this again.
OKAY. I'M SORRY IMAGINARY BLOG READER. I lied. I completely forgot you existed again, but I'm going to try my best to update once a month about the meaningless things in my life. It's the best thing since sliced bread to rant about all the people in my life without worrying that any of them are going to see it. But yay for long blog posts, because this one is going to recap since my last post, take you through the summer, and the first month of SEN10R YEAR. Oh, yes, I went there. Take that. Here we go!
Well, 11th grade obviously ended. I don't remember much of the dramatic little details, but I took all my regents exams, got an 88 on Italian (GO ME FOR NOT STUDYING!), a 99 on USH (YAY FOR INFINITE USH KNOWELDGE!) and a 90 on Math B (I FREAKING SCREAMED. BEST FEAT EVER). And that was the end of that. However, my new love love love was discovered between taking the USH Regents and the Italian regents. I went out on a limb and lottoed the 1960's hippie rock musical, Hair, and won. It's now my acid, my love, my life definition. Next to normal got the good old boot within 2 weeks of it being number one. Poor babies. Hair is 50 million times better than N2N anyway. And way more me. I've seen it 9 times now and in 2 weeks, I'll have seen it for the 10th time. But more on Hair later. Lets get back to the ~summer.~
The summer was cool. You know how like, one blog entry ago I thought Ashley and I were drifitng apart? Well, we were. But that's done now. After our upstate trip, things got way better. In fact, things got more than better. We're closer than really we've ever been which is totes fine with me. I suddenly don't feel like updating you on my past in detail, so I'm going to do a quick recap/list of my current thoughts and that'll be it for tonight. I'm tired.
1. 11th grade is over.
2. I'm a senior.
3. Jen and I are friends, no dramazzz.
4. Ashley and I are blissfully closer than ever.
5. My back is 100% fine, I've been on roller coasters.
6. I got my learners permit (:
7. Hair is my life now.
8. I'm a modern day hippie.
9. I'm 17!
10. I'm taking creative writing with an awesome teacher (who looks like Will [my love] Swenson).
11. Uhh, I'm going to try to update my imaginary followers every so often. But no worries, I've left little post-it notes around my room reminding me to update this thing. Go me!
12. I'm still single. I know, I'm shocked too. (not.)
13. My ears are pierced!
14. I just lied to you.
15. I recently saw my future husband JGroff again and got multiple hugs.
16. I still really really love him, in a non-fan kind of way. Seriously, I'd marry him right now. He owns my heart.
17. I've decided that I want "life is around you and in you" tattoed somewhere on my self.
18. I have a really long list of schools that I'm applying to, but I know I want to live in the city. The rest can be worked out.
19. I'm not labling my sexuality, I think if you're going to stand up for gay rights and gay equality, than putting a lable on your sexuality defeats the purpose.
20. I will fall in love with whom ever I fall in love with.
21. I want to read 50 books in 2010.
22. I have a creative writing project I should really be doing but I'm not because I don't have a short story author I want to write about or a short story that I really like.
23. Gavin Creel is my role model. I want to have the confidence to just say to a huge group of people, "This is who I am, and I'm going to stand up for that no matter what you think of it."
24. It depresses me oh so much that Gavin is gay.
25. I want to kiss a freakin boy at some point during my senior year. Okay? thanks.
26. I believe in love. That is my fucking religion. Call me an athiest, whatever. K?
27. I want to try LSD. there, I said it.
28. I'm forming a very unhealthy addiction to Hair. seriously, it gets me through my life.
29. I'm an expert procrastinator and I hate it.
30. I'm considering sneaking out of my household and going to the Equality Rally in DC.
31. I'm done considering that. Because we all know I don't have the guts to do that.
32. All I want is to live in the city, be with artsy people, have a boyfriend, and just be.
33. Love is all I'd ever need to survive.
34. I'd pick a cardboard box with the love of my life over anything else basically.
35. This list is getting really long and it works for me.
36. I'm a hippie and I love it.
37. I'm exhausted right now.
38. I need to go to sleep.
Tootles, my imaginary followers. Until I remember to post again.
Well, 11th grade obviously ended. I don't remember much of the dramatic little details, but I took all my regents exams, got an 88 on Italian (GO ME FOR NOT STUDYING!), a 99 on USH (YAY FOR INFINITE USH KNOWELDGE!) and a 90 on Math B (I FREAKING SCREAMED. BEST FEAT EVER). And that was the end of that. However, my new love love love was discovered between taking the USH Regents and the Italian regents. I went out on a limb and lottoed the 1960's hippie rock musical, Hair, and won. It's now my acid, my love, my life definition. Next to normal got the good old boot within 2 weeks of it being number one. Poor babies. Hair is 50 million times better than N2N anyway. And way more me. I've seen it 9 times now and in 2 weeks, I'll have seen it for the 10th time. But more on Hair later. Lets get back to the ~summer.~
The summer was cool. You know how like, one blog entry ago I thought Ashley and I were drifitng apart? Well, we were. But that's done now. After our upstate trip, things got way better. In fact, things got more than better. We're closer than really we've ever been which is totes fine with me. I suddenly don't feel like updating you on my past in detail, so I'm going to do a quick recap/list of my current thoughts and that'll be it for tonight. I'm tired.
1. 11th grade is over.
2. I'm a senior.
3. Jen and I are friends, no dramazzz.
4. Ashley and I are blissfully closer than ever.
5. My back is 100% fine, I've been on roller coasters.
6. I got my learners permit (:
7. Hair is my life now.
8. I'm a modern day hippie.
9. I'm 17!
10. I'm taking creative writing with an awesome teacher (who looks like Will [my love] Swenson).
11. Uhh, I'm going to try to update my imaginary followers every so often. But no worries, I've left little post-it notes around my room reminding me to update this thing. Go me!
12. I'm still single. I know, I'm shocked too. (not.)
13. My ears are pierced!
14. I just lied to you.
15. I recently saw my future husband JGroff again and got multiple hugs.
16. I still really really love him, in a non-fan kind of way. Seriously, I'd marry him right now. He owns my heart.
17. I've decided that I want "life is around you and in you" tattoed somewhere on my self.
18. I have a really long list of schools that I'm applying to, but I know I want to live in the city. The rest can be worked out.
19. I'm not labling my sexuality, I think if you're going to stand up for gay rights and gay equality, than putting a lable on your sexuality defeats the purpose.
20. I will fall in love with whom ever I fall in love with.
21. I want to read 50 books in 2010.
22. I have a creative writing project I should really be doing but I'm not because I don't have a short story author I want to write about or a short story that I really like.
23. Gavin Creel is my role model. I want to have the confidence to just say to a huge group of people, "This is who I am, and I'm going to stand up for that no matter what you think of it."
24. It depresses me oh so much that Gavin is gay.
25. I want to kiss a freakin boy at some point during my senior year. Okay? thanks.
26. I believe in love. That is my fucking religion. Call me an athiest, whatever. K?
27. I want to try LSD. there, I said it.
28. I'm forming a very unhealthy addiction to Hair. seriously, it gets me through my life.
29. I'm an expert procrastinator and I hate it.
30. I'm considering sneaking out of my household and going to the Equality Rally in DC.
31. I'm done considering that. Because we all know I don't have the guts to do that.
32. All I want is to live in the city, be with artsy people, have a boyfriend, and just be.
33. Love is all I'd ever need to survive.
34. I'd pick a cardboard box with the love of my life over anything else basically.
35. This list is getting really long and it works for me.
36. I'm a hippie and I love it.
37. I'm exhausted right now.
38. I need to go to sleep.
Tootles, my imaginary followers. Until I remember to post again.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Super Boy and the Invisible Girl...
Ashley just left. We had a nice visit, like the good old days- we just talked. However, it's not really personal. I feel like we're not close enough anymore to truly talk about whatever. That, or nothing even remotely interesting has happened to either of us in such a long time that it's really a moot point. Either way, it's almost like we're forcing our conversations. Not really, it's not blatantly obvious or anything like that, it's just a slight note that I always pick up on. We talked about next year, our schedules, a party she's going to tonight to celebrate all the AP tests are over, our spring concert, our trip to the city, and I explained in-detail plot lines of in the heights and next to normal, incase we end up seeing either of those when we go on on may 30th. she apologized yesterday about her lying to me, and i honestly wasn't mad because i just spoke my mind and kept it going. not saying i entirely believe that she just happened to get a call from kellie just as she finished helping her sister with her homework but not too long after because she didn't hear from me.. it's really not the point. i'm babbling.
in health today, we were talking about prganancy and all the gorey details. Apparently, the only way to have a reasonable (aka, a tolerable) amount of pain is to get an epidural, which is when someone sticks a needle about the size of an unsharpened pencil into your spinal cord to numb the bottom half of your body. When I heard this, all the color drained from my face. So creepy to think about considering my scar is there and yada yada. EEEYOUCH. I'm not having kids. That's why they invented adoption. I'll adopt a kid who needs a family and stick with that. Works for me. IF I even want kids. I think I do, though. I love Simon soooo much. Just something to think about.
Tomorrow starts a 4 day weekend! I love memorial day. I really, really do. It makes me so happy to know that I have friday, saturday, sunday and monday off from school. OH SO GLORIOUS. It's kind of weird to think how 11th grade is practically over, save 3 regents exams and a concert performance. Regaurdless, i'll be a senior REALLY soon. Only one more year of highschool left. SO EXCITED!... So... nervous. Yeah. I'm definitely going to hunter, it's just a matter of getting housing and that scholarship and all the bells and whistles. I want to get it, I do, but at the same time, I kind of want to just get into hunter and be a normal student, not a macauly kid. I just don't want to have so much extra stuff to do. Lazy? Maybe. But I want college to be more than an academic learning experience, I want to truly be out on my own and explore the city for it's full value. Have fun. Be not single ;). Haha, I'd love to have a boyfriend senior year, but who are we kidding? Oh yeah, nobody. I mean, of course I have meaningless crushes, but I notice I always fall for the kid who i KNOW I can't have. Almost on purpose, to shield myself maybe? I don't know. They're all either gay or complete jerks, which does nothing for me. Le sigh. I don't know. I haven't had a serious crush since Anthony... Mike, whatever, and it clearly did not go well. That reminds me, that situation unfolded a bit. But I'll tell that when I actually care. It's not that I think I need a guy to make me feel good, but I'd like to explore a real relationship for once. The only one I've actually had was so stupid, and he too turned out to be gay, ha-ha.
I've been slacking lately, and I know it. I just don't feel like it matters as much. Clearly it doesn't, because I get great grades whether I do or do not try. Grades aren't the most important thing in life, and I feel like a lot of people think that way. SO not true. Speaking of, Ozman is still going to test me on the Beethoven. Which sucks, because I barely know it. It doesn't have to be memorized, but I haven't heard the whole thing, or even all the sections. I can't possibly pull this one out of the bag. I'm not performing it or anything, but she still wants to test me. WHICH SUCKS, and is so not fair may I add. Sorry, no, I didn't give a flying f*ck about the beethoven while I was recovering from 2 rods and 20 screws being implanted in my back. MY BAD. wjkghowgowijfownfg, seriously, this whole thing is such a turn off. It's made me seriously consider not taking chorus next year, which just sucks so much because I do love it, it's just always so miserable and boring. It really has been all year. And I'm not going to use it ever. But they are going on a big trip next year so... UGH I'm keeping it. Just ranting.
I'm going to stop rambling now, because really nothing happened, I just felt like updating this thing because I'm commited. WOO! Until next time-
Em
in health today, we were talking about prganancy and all the gorey details. Apparently, the only way to have a reasonable (aka, a tolerable) amount of pain is to get an epidural, which is when someone sticks a needle about the size of an unsharpened pencil into your spinal cord to numb the bottom half of your body. When I heard this, all the color drained from my face. So creepy to think about considering my scar is there and yada yada. EEEYOUCH. I'm not having kids. That's why they invented adoption. I'll adopt a kid who needs a family and stick with that. Works for me. IF I even want kids. I think I do, though. I love Simon soooo much. Just something to think about.
Tomorrow starts a 4 day weekend! I love memorial day. I really, really do. It makes me so happy to know that I have friday, saturday, sunday and monday off from school. OH SO GLORIOUS. It's kind of weird to think how 11th grade is practically over, save 3 regents exams and a concert performance. Regaurdless, i'll be a senior REALLY soon. Only one more year of highschool left. SO EXCITED!... So... nervous. Yeah. I'm definitely going to hunter, it's just a matter of getting housing and that scholarship and all the bells and whistles. I want to get it, I do, but at the same time, I kind of want to just get into hunter and be a normal student, not a macauly kid. I just don't want to have so much extra stuff to do. Lazy? Maybe. But I want college to be more than an academic learning experience, I want to truly be out on my own and explore the city for it's full value. Have fun. Be not single ;). Haha, I'd love to have a boyfriend senior year, but who are we kidding? Oh yeah, nobody. I mean, of course I have meaningless crushes, but I notice I always fall for the kid who i KNOW I can't have. Almost on purpose, to shield myself maybe? I don't know. They're all either gay or complete jerks, which does nothing for me. Le sigh. I don't know. I haven't had a serious crush since Anthony... Mike, whatever, and it clearly did not go well. That reminds me, that situation unfolded a bit. But I'll tell that when I actually care. It's not that I think I need a guy to make me feel good, but I'd like to explore a real relationship for once. The only one I've actually had was so stupid, and he too turned out to be gay, ha-ha.
I've been slacking lately, and I know it. I just don't feel like it matters as much. Clearly it doesn't, because I get great grades whether I do or do not try. Grades aren't the most important thing in life, and I feel like a lot of people think that way. SO not true. Speaking of, Ozman is still going to test me on the Beethoven. Which sucks, because I barely know it. It doesn't have to be memorized, but I haven't heard the whole thing, or even all the sections. I can't possibly pull this one out of the bag. I'm not performing it or anything, but she still wants to test me. WHICH SUCKS, and is so not fair may I add. Sorry, no, I didn't give a flying f*ck about the beethoven while I was recovering from 2 rods and 20 screws being implanted in my back. MY BAD. wjkghowgowijfownfg, seriously, this whole thing is such a turn off. It's made me seriously consider not taking chorus next year, which just sucks so much because I do love it, it's just always so miserable and boring. It really has been all year. And I'm not going to use it ever. But they are going on a big trip next year so... UGH I'm keeping it. Just ranting.
I'm going to stop rambling now, because really nothing happened, I just felt like updating this thing because I'm commited. WOO! Until next time-
Em
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Something next to normal would be okay...
Wow. I completely forgot I had this. Sorry to the nobody who reads this for my 8 month sudden hiatus. So much has happened since my fall at school & my big city weekend, I feel as if that's worlds away. I'm glad I took the time to reread my entries. It was so weird back then, thinking back. I'll elaborate and such. This is going to be one hell of a long post, so I'll start with WHY I'm picking this up again.
Well, here I go. Basically, I've been reading a lot of good books lately. And whenever I read a good book (which is like, all the time) I wonder how my life would be as a book. And then I remembered I had this thing. Also, I've decided that keeping my honest-to-world thoughts on a blog would be great. I need to rant and update my imaginary friend (i.e- the nobody who reads this) about my life. I've really fallen off the self-improvement bandwagon as of late, and I need to get back into that. Which I will. With the help of this blog. I've been feeling increasingly lonely, not that I don't have anyone sort of way, but in the "i have a lot of people, but nobody at the same time" kind of way. It's confusing, I know. But I personally vow to update this at LEAST once a week. They'll be long ass posts if I post only once a week, so stay tuned! Haha, not. Moving on? Yes.
Tons of stuffs has happened since septemeber. The big one: I had my back surgery. On march 3rd, that is. ZOMG, t'was a bitch. I'm still dealing with the reprecussions actually, and I only went back to school last monday. I have a huge 16 inch scar equipped with pain and numbness all up and down my back (and various random places on my body). I was on major pain killers to the point where I was supposed to go through strong withdrawal, I didn't, luckily. It was so intense and bad and terrible I can't even convey how bad it was. Note to self: DON'T GET SURGERY. Them tonsels are staying put. Who cares if I snore? HAH. They can stay. But seriously, it was really rough. I was a mess, and always in pain, and ... just bad. Don't listen to that sugar coated crap you read on the internet ("NO BIGGIE! you get drugs") HAH! The drugs did little to nothing, the whole thing just sucked worse than anything you can possibly imagine. I don't want sympathy, people. I just want time to adjust, and I don't want the accusing "what the eff is wrong with this girl" stares, because I'm aware I look completely normal. No, I don't go wearing belly/high cut shirts to school so you can't see the scar, nor can you feel the blithering pain. So stfu. :D I went back into the city last weekend with Jen, it was great. More updates on the Jen front later, considering I apparrently had some issues with Jen back in september. haha, I didn't remember. Continuing...
School is OKAY. Just okay. I take back everything I said about my english teacher, I love her. I really do. She has trouble controlling the class, but that's just because she doesn't really command respect as well as she could. Not the point. Point is, she's a great teacher and i've learned a lot, and she's going to be my AP English teacher next year. I know what you're thinking: "is she f*cking crazy?!" the answer to that question: YES! But I want to get my butt into hunter AND into a dorm room, so therefor 180 days of Ap classes will have to go under way. Math is going great too! I LOVE MR. ARMSTRONG. Holy crap man, this dude can teach a piece of ply wood to write the quadratic equation while figuring out the cosine of X if he had to. NO JOKE. My math grades are un-flipping-believable and I couldn't be happier. It doesn't come too easy, but I pay attention and I [don't] seriously do my homework, so I'm working on it. I expect 85+ on that mofo regents. I'm also taking Accl. Honors precalc next year, which should be awesome because Cuzzo teaches it, and she too could teach ply wood to do math tricks :D. Italian sucks like you wouldn't believe. I'm sure something dramatical will happen with Sig. C this week and I'll devote an entire section to her marvels because she infuriates me to no end. I'm no longer taking a first period science because I'm taking AP environmental next year, so now periods 1 & 2 I have study hall which is the BOMB because I get to spend it with cims<3. Cims is just so awesome. I can't even explain how much she helps me, and I help her too. It's just great. She really cares about me... not my "smarts" or my "integrity" or any of that. We're friends, nix age difference, minus teacher/student. Ha. USH is awesome as usual, I rock that class, and I love Gross/Sanders so it's all good. I'm taking health now too, which is interesting I suppose. Most of it we've learned already, minus the sex ed part, which is what we're doing now. It's actually really fun and my health teacher is really cool, so it works. Ozman is batshit crazy. Sorry, but oh so true. Great person blah blah, but OH. MY. GOD. I hate this beethoven thing we've got to do. The crazy lady signed us up for a huge performance of beethoven's 9th, which is 97 PAGES LONG! DUUUDE. It sucks soo much because it's too involved, and it's very hard to sing sooo high all the time, and i'm not even performing it or any of our other music because it's just too much/i don't care enough to try/i so don't want to do it. So there. But other than that, school is pretty much the same. Obviously, not awkward or anything anymore. But we've got like, 14 days of instruction left. Legit. Wooo!
So here's the dealio with Jen. I used to be intimidated by her and everything, which sucked. But now we're really close. She's a lot different than I am which is good, because we have different experiences. She holds back a lot around me because she's afraid to call me a best friend or whatever, which is totally cool. I don't think I really have a best friend anymore. I mean, I have Ashley, but we've drifted apart, as much as we hate to admit. I mean, I'll always love her and everything, but it's just not as good as it used to be. We always will care and everything, I mean the girl never left my side while I was hardcore recovering, but just today she told me she couldn't come over because she was helping her sister with global homework, and then I see her walking down the street with her other friend Kellie. I asked her about it via text about 2 hours ago and she hasn't said a word to me since. Lovely, I know. I just love being lied to, or diched, or both. They make me SO happy. (I lied, sarcasm is my best friend. suck that.) I don't know, I think this is what I mean by lonely. I have a lot of friends and stuff, but there's always someone closser to that person, or more important, or that comes before I do. So while I'm much closer with Ashley than I am to Jen, they both do similar things. It kind of sucks, I'm aware. I almost feel like I'm closer to Cims than I am to anyone else at school, and that my *real* best friend, my number one is my Grandma. It's weird, I know, but so not for me. Seriously, I'd lose my marbles if something ever happened to her. Back on topic, I feel very isolated from society in these passive-aggressive-i'm-friends-with-you-now-but-not-entirely relationships. Sigh.
I was doing pretty good with my eating up until late. I've been kind of rediculous these past 2 weeks, and I really need to stop it. That's all i'm going to say on this topic. Moving on.
Let me think, what else has happened? OH YEAH DUDE. Spring Awakening closed. I lied about the whole staying away for 6 months. I caved, i think 5 times between october and january. Of course I went to the last performance. I've never cried so much in a theatre in my life. I can't explain it, but Spring just.. was my life for a solid year. I miss it so much. But I've, of course, found a new musical obsession that will surely replace Spring as Spring did to Rent. It's called Next to Normal, and is one of the most powerful things I've ever seen on stage. I'm listening to it as I write this, actually. It's so intense, I just love it. Not to mention Aaron Tveit (ta-vate), who I've loved for like, a year now. The best Fiyero EVER. EVER. EVER. I love that guy. I want a hug from him; I think he'd give really good hugs. Ha, I love hugs from broadway boys. They fill that void in my life lmao. Point being, it's amazing, it needs to win a million tony awards, go see it. I saw it saturday, along with Heights for the first time since my last post. I really do enjoy heights. Not really on my top 5, but I thoroghly enjoy it.
OOH! American Idol season finale is on tonight. Actually it's on right now, but I'm not going to start watching until a little later. Kris vs. Adam. I love them both, actually. I love Adam more, and only really because he's such a theatre buff. He understudied Fiyero in LA. Which is made of epic win, so of course he got my vote. But love krist too. We'll see what happens. Anyway, this weekend is memorial day weekend. 4 days off! WOO! I'm happy, I need a break, I'm just getting tired. I'm currently reading Broadway Nights, which also inspired me to keep this going. I'm going to try to be fully committed, and I *might* even post the link to the blog around. Maybe. Considering nobody even knows this exists. WOO, not. I think I'm going to go for now. I could babble on some more, and I might update later today, but the bottom line is, I'm surviving, and I'm border line happy. New obsessions keep me occupied. I wonder if I need a therapist. I feel like I could benefit. Who knows... anywho, until next time.
Em.
Well, here I go. Basically, I've been reading a lot of good books lately. And whenever I read a good book (which is like, all the time) I wonder how my life would be as a book. And then I remembered I had this thing. Also, I've decided that keeping my honest-to-world thoughts on a blog would be great. I need to rant and update my imaginary friend (i.e- the nobody who reads this) about my life. I've really fallen off the self-improvement bandwagon as of late, and I need to get back into that. Which I will. With the help of this blog. I've been feeling increasingly lonely, not that I don't have anyone sort of way, but in the "i have a lot of people, but nobody at the same time" kind of way. It's confusing, I know. But I personally vow to update this at LEAST once a week. They'll be long ass posts if I post only once a week, so stay tuned! Haha, not. Moving on? Yes.
Tons of stuffs has happened since septemeber. The big one: I had my back surgery. On march 3rd, that is. ZOMG, t'was a bitch. I'm still dealing with the reprecussions actually, and I only went back to school last monday. I have a huge 16 inch scar equipped with pain and numbness all up and down my back (and various random places on my body). I was on major pain killers to the point where I was supposed to go through strong withdrawal, I didn't, luckily. It was so intense and bad and terrible I can't even convey how bad it was. Note to self: DON'T GET SURGERY. Them tonsels are staying put. Who cares if I snore? HAH. They can stay. But seriously, it was really rough. I was a mess, and always in pain, and ... just bad. Don't listen to that sugar coated crap you read on the internet ("NO BIGGIE! you get drugs") HAH! The drugs did little to nothing, the whole thing just sucked worse than anything you can possibly imagine. I don't want sympathy, people. I just want time to adjust, and I don't want the accusing "what the eff is wrong with this girl" stares, because I'm aware I look completely normal. No, I don't go wearing belly/high cut shirts to school so you can't see the scar, nor can you feel the blithering pain. So stfu. :D I went back into the city last weekend with Jen, it was great. More updates on the Jen front later, considering I apparrently had some issues with Jen back in september. haha, I didn't remember. Continuing...
School is OKAY. Just okay. I take back everything I said about my english teacher, I love her. I really do. She has trouble controlling the class, but that's just because she doesn't really command respect as well as she could. Not the point. Point is, she's a great teacher and i've learned a lot, and she's going to be my AP English teacher next year. I know what you're thinking: "is she f*cking crazy?!" the answer to that question: YES! But I want to get my butt into hunter AND into a dorm room, so therefor 180 days of Ap classes will have to go under way. Math is going great too! I LOVE MR. ARMSTRONG. Holy crap man, this dude can teach a piece of ply wood to write the quadratic equation while figuring out the cosine of X if he had to. NO JOKE. My math grades are un-flipping-believable and I couldn't be happier. It doesn't come too easy, but I pay attention and I [don't] seriously do my homework, so I'm working on it. I expect 85+ on that mofo regents. I'm also taking Accl. Honors precalc next year, which should be awesome because Cuzzo teaches it, and she too could teach ply wood to do math tricks :D. Italian sucks like you wouldn't believe. I'm sure something dramatical will happen with Sig. C this week and I'll devote an entire section to her marvels because she infuriates me to no end. I'm no longer taking a first period science because I'm taking AP environmental next year, so now periods 1 & 2 I have study hall which is the BOMB because I get to spend it with cims<3. Cims is just so awesome. I can't even explain how much she helps me, and I help her too. It's just great. She really cares about me... not my "smarts" or my "integrity" or any of that. We're friends, nix age difference, minus teacher/student. Ha. USH is awesome as usual, I rock that class, and I love Gross/Sanders so it's all good. I'm taking health now too, which is interesting I suppose. Most of it we've learned already, minus the sex ed part, which is what we're doing now. It's actually really fun and my health teacher is really cool, so it works. Ozman is batshit crazy. Sorry, but oh so true. Great person blah blah, but OH. MY. GOD. I hate this beethoven thing we've got to do. The crazy lady signed us up for a huge performance of beethoven's 9th, which is 97 PAGES LONG! DUUUDE. It sucks soo much because it's too involved, and it's very hard to sing sooo high all the time, and i'm not even performing it or any of our other music because it's just too much/i don't care enough to try/i so don't want to do it. So there. But other than that, school is pretty much the same. Obviously, not awkward or anything anymore. But we've got like, 14 days of instruction left. Legit. Wooo!
So here's the dealio with Jen. I used to be intimidated by her and everything, which sucked. But now we're really close. She's a lot different than I am which is good, because we have different experiences. She holds back a lot around me because she's afraid to call me a best friend or whatever, which is totally cool. I don't think I really have a best friend anymore. I mean, I have Ashley, but we've drifted apart, as much as we hate to admit. I mean, I'll always love her and everything, but it's just not as good as it used to be. We always will care and everything, I mean the girl never left my side while I was hardcore recovering, but just today she told me she couldn't come over because she was helping her sister with global homework, and then I see her walking down the street with her other friend Kellie. I asked her about it via text about 2 hours ago and she hasn't said a word to me since. Lovely, I know. I just love being lied to, or diched, or both. They make me SO happy. (I lied, sarcasm is my best friend. suck that.) I don't know, I think this is what I mean by lonely. I have a lot of friends and stuff, but there's always someone closser to that person, or more important, or that comes before I do. So while I'm much closer with Ashley than I am to Jen, they both do similar things. It kind of sucks, I'm aware. I almost feel like I'm closer to Cims than I am to anyone else at school, and that my *real* best friend, my number one is my Grandma. It's weird, I know, but so not for me. Seriously, I'd lose my marbles if something ever happened to her. Back on topic, I feel very isolated from society in these passive-aggressive-i'm-friends-with-you-now-but-not-entirely relationships. Sigh.
I was doing pretty good with my eating up until late. I've been kind of rediculous these past 2 weeks, and I really need to stop it. That's all i'm going to say on this topic. Moving on.
Let me think, what else has happened? OH YEAH DUDE. Spring Awakening closed. I lied about the whole staying away for 6 months. I caved, i think 5 times between october and january. Of course I went to the last performance. I've never cried so much in a theatre in my life. I can't explain it, but Spring just.. was my life for a solid year. I miss it so much. But I've, of course, found a new musical obsession that will surely replace Spring as Spring did to Rent. It's called Next to Normal, and is one of the most powerful things I've ever seen on stage. I'm listening to it as I write this, actually. It's so intense, I just love it. Not to mention Aaron Tveit (ta-vate), who I've loved for like, a year now. The best Fiyero EVER. EVER. EVER. I love that guy. I want a hug from him; I think he'd give really good hugs. Ha, I love hugs from broadway boys. They fill that void in my life lmao. Point being, it's amazing, it needs to win a million tony awards, go see it. I saw it saturday, along with Heights for the first time since my last post. I really do enjoy heights. Not really on my top 5, but I thoroghly enjoy it.
OOH! American Idol season finale is on tonight. Actually it's on right now, but I'm not going to start watching until a little later. Kris vs. Adam. I love them both, actually. I love Adam more, and only really because he's such a theatre buff. He understudied Fiyero in LA. Which is made of epic win, so of course he got my vote. But love krist too. We'll see what happens. Anyway, this weekend is memorial day weekend. 4 days off! WOO! I'm happy, I need a break, I'm just getting tired. I'm currently reading Broadway Nights, which also inspired me to keep this going. I'm going to try to be fully committed, and I *might* even post the link to the blog around. Maybe. Considering nobody even knows this exists. WOO, not. I think I'm going to go for now. I could babble on some more, and I might update later today, but the bottom line is, I'm surviving, and I'm border line happy. New obsessions keep me occupied. I wonder if I need a therapist. I feel like I could benefit. Who knows... anywho, until next time.
Em.
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